Loneliness, insanity and other cheery thoughts.
No, I'm neither lonely or certifiably insane. Not for a very long time.
But at one time I felt like I was separated from the rest of humanity by some sort of invisible wall. A wall that kept me from connecting to others, even when I was married. The wall that insured I'd be alone in the worst way all my days on this earth.
It took a while to get through that wall. It took getting sober (alcohol is a depressant, gee wonder if that played into it?) but that was only the start of a start.
It took a bit of therapy. It took a lot of prayer, if you want to call it "prayer" when you're standing in a chapel at midnight screaming for Christ to come off the cross so you can kick his ass. Or at least try to.
More than anything else, it took constantly reminding myself that I was no different than anyone else. That everyone spent too much time alone, "too much" being a subjective judgment call. I'm naturally a loner, can stay by myself for longer than most folks. But even a loner can feel his sanity slipping away when he's too long in his own company. Been there done that.
However the realization that everyone goes through the same emotions, many of the same trials, marking a lot of the same milestones in life was what broke that feeling of isolation.
Being able to sit in a mall and watch everyone walk past, I do mean everyone. Didn't matter if they were black, white, gay, straight, male, female, young or old. I got to a point where I'd sit sipping my coffee and thinking how many of them were probably going through the same crap I was or had been going through. Every one of them putting on a "happy face" or "John Wayne mask" to show to the world, while feeling like they're dying inside.
What was the tag line of that old TV show, "The Naked City"? Something about there being eight million stories in it. Too true.
We've all got our times in our personal deserts. We all get to spend time screaming at God. We all get to be one of eight million (at least). So we've a fair bit of company in life and it's tribulations.
Now when the shit hits my personal fan I go sit in the mall and drink coffee. I watch people and pray for all of us. We need it. We're all just trying to get by and hoping no one hears the screams from inside our heads.
I also have improved on my prayers concerning my own problems. Now I pray God's will be done and for the fortitude to sweat it out. So far, so good.
The reason for this post? Nothing special, just passing on something that might help others. God's will be done.
Great post! Thanks!
The best teacher for blowing emotional san is one who's done it!
"The reason for this post? Nothing special, just passing on something that might help others."
And a very good post it is! Thanks...
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