Sex, marriage and infidelity...

Maybe I sound arrogant but IMO if you cheat on your spouse you've got your head up your ass.

There's a good article on the Washington Post about the topic, how infidelity is on the wane. Here's the link: http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/guest-voices/post/sex-and-the-married-american/2011/05/22/AFHv3P9G_blog.html

I'm working on marriage #3, and "work" is a good description for being successful in any marriage. Some folks luck out and find a spouse so simpatico that they almost read each other's minds. That would be the exception. Others find "that special someone" and spend the rest of their lives together arguing over the most ludicrous things. Another exception, but not so much as the first.

My own marriage is in the middle. The wifely one and I agree on how to raise the kids, who has what household duties and where the dirty laundry goes. Forget about things like the setting of the thermostat, thats a constant war. Married life isn't perfect nor should it be. "They lived happily ever after" is where the real fairy tale starts if you think it doesn't entail some rather lively disagreements at times. Just my opinion.

But to really throw a monkey wrench into the works, all one has to do is start looking elsewhere for companionship. I can't speak to women, their minds are wired differently than men, but if a guy is feeling the need for greater understanding than the wife can give then he should get a dog. End of story.

Honestly, has any man EVER had an affair and said of it afterwards, "Best damned thing I ever did!"? If such a person exists he moves outside my circles. Every man I've known who catted around found himself on the dirty end of the stick sooner or later. The most idiotic one was the guy who kept his "little black book" in his briefcase where the wifely one found it. From what I remember, he was introduced to new intimacy with a frying pan over that one. No exaggeration either, he came to the boat one morning with a kingsized bruise on his face. Seems there isn't much give to Teflon skillets.

As I said, I'm on my third try at matrimonial bliss. Thats due to having lousy judgment during my drinking career, it's also due to being somewhat of an asshole. The same attributes that made me a good supervisor in the military are liabilities in personal relationships. If you want references to that fact I can give you the addresses for my two exes, several former girlfriends and a few passing acquaintances of the feminine persuasion. That Neanderthal avatar I use isn't just a joke, trust me on that one.

But one thing I've NEVER done is cheat. I'll admit that sometimes it was due more to being incapacitated by booze than any high moral standard. But regardless of that, I didn't seriously attempt to find someone else until things were irrevocably broken down and past the point of salvation. Neither divorce involved charges of infidelity.

Again, it wasn't due to saintly standards. I've just felt more often than not then when things are going well there isn't any need to risk screwing them up. Conversely when the relationship is in the toilet why make things worse?

It's been due to a lot of luck too, I've already mentioned that and will stress it further. At the times I would have "gone off the reservation" there was no one so desperate as to take my drunken ass. Getting tanked on whisky will lower the morals, it also decreases your attractiveness in direct proportion to how drunk you get. Believe me, I can get REALLY hammered! But hopefully not today.

Nowadays the lack of desire to stray is even stronger. I finally found a woman who will put up with my misogynistic, Neanderthalic, misanthropic attitudes & behaviors. Took a long time but I DID find her!

Another thing going for potential success in this marriage is being 58 years of age and having seen my share of fools who let the little head take over the function of the big head. Learning from the mistakes of others helps decrease the likelihood of personal pain. So if you're a guy who cheated and are reading this, you have my thanks. You went through the wringer of personally screwing up so I wouldn't have to. At least not in that area. I'm sure there are some things I've done that act to put the shoe on the other foot.

Finally, maturity DOES eventually kick in for all of us. In this I'm reminded of a situation that played out a few years ago on a local playground. I was sitting on a bench watching my boys when this attractive fortyish woman sat down on the other end and started a conversation. It devolved into her openly flirting with me, letting me know her husband was out of town and golly gee she was just killing time all by herself with her grandson because she'd locked herself out of her house and whatever would she do now? (Locksmiths are prevalent in our area, breaking a window works, and what about the son-in-law helping when he gets home? You need me for what exactly? Yeah, dumb question.)

I wished her luck in finding a way back inside. She left after that.

I mean really, acting like a teenaged prom queen in heat at a kid's playground is kinda ridiculous. You wanna get laid lady? Go hit the nearest sports bar, I'm sure you'll find plenty of takers. Remember, the closer to closing time you go there, the better luck you'll have.

I ain't interested. Don't need or want the hassle.

Sex just isn't so overriding important that we need to mess our lives up for it. It never has been either, despite what the most currently popular soap opera shows. Believe me, there is no Hawaiian disease known as "Lackofnookee". If you're a married guy and ain't "getting any" at home, wandering off for some sex will only make your life interesting in ways you won't like.

Let's be clear about things too, it's always about sex. "My wife doesn't understand me. Unlike every other married man I've known there is no one to turn to. Poor, poor, pitiful me. " is pure unadulterated bullshit. Men are from Mars and women from Venus. That means there are a lot of "misunderstandings". Women are the civilizing influence in our society. Thats why they believe sex involves romance, candlelight, soft music and scented sheets. Guys just want about three feet of open space, "wham, bam, thank you ma'm and thats that. Now, what's on TV and we got anything decent to eat?"

So that lack of understanding is common and cuts both ways. Deal with it and get yourself a dog if you have to be "understood".

Keep it in your pants when you're away from home. You'll be thankful in the long run.