Movie Review

"Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus"

This movie sucks on toast. Don't waste your money, don't see it for free. Only watch it if you're paid BIG BUCKS for your efforts.

I don't mind the occasional suckass flick. Since meeting me the War Department has endured such gems as, "The Five Fingers of Death" (a kungfu cult classic, it's the first Run Run Shaw directed flick that made it's way to the USA. If that doesn't mean anything to you, you're probably not going to like it.) But as far as stinkers go, I do have my standards. They're low but I have them.

Anyway, in Mega Shark etc. every single sailor is wearing sub dolphins. That includes the captain of the "lead destroyer" (whateverinhell that is!). About that "destroyer", it's actually a freaking battleship for crying out loud! As for the sub dolphins, I'd guess our nation's are pretty popular because even the members of the Japanese Navy in the flick were wearing them!

For those who don't know, ONLY submarine sailors who have passed the qualification screening may wear dolphins. Silver for enlisted men, gold for officers. Everyone (including an admiral) wore silver in this flick, guess the local Army/Navy store had a butt ton to get rid of.

It couldn't suck enough. Period.

Deborah Gibson is the star, boy has she aged since the early 80's! She's sporting so much mascara she could pass for a panda bear. You know the flick is going to stink when the opening scenes show her driving a minisub with her right hand, then what is ostensibly her left hand is shown pushing buttons. Maybe she's a bit weird and that right hand really doesn't have any nail polish while the left is sporting pure black. I dunno, chicks like that always give me the willies. Reminds me of the character "TwoFace" in "Batman & Robin".

Did I mention the minisub has windows? Yeah, just like in real life. Noted. There is also instantaneous telecommunication available from all subs to each other and to all aircraft involved. You could run a basketball game in these boats they're so roomy. I kept waiting to see the crew's bowling alley on the main sub. Maybe they thought that would be a bit much.

Lorenzo Lamas huffs and puffs along as the resident jerk. You'd think that would be an easy part for almost anyone to play in this turkey, the effort he expends clearly shows. Maybe he was constipated.

Lots of gratuitous tree-hugging commentary thrown in, such as a reference to the quickly melting polar ice caps. Even a car with an Obama bumper sticker. No liberal slant here. Nope.

All in all, don't watch this flick. If you're that bored make shadow puppets on the wall. You'll thank me.