Table scraps for Fluffy? Do the crime, do the time...

Found this over at Fr. Longenecker's site. Talk about target-rich for sarcasm. This was taken from the Telegraph.

Chocolate, raisins or grapes are "poisonous" for pets, according to the code, while a dog should not be disturbed when eating as this can cause "food-related aggression". (Never mind the dog, I can show you real "food-related aggression". Ask the War Department.)

It also recommends that dogs should not be fed at the table as this can lead to begging - and that "curious" animals such as cats should be kept away from windows or tumble dryers. (Lots of luck trying to teach cats ANYTHING!)

The new codes of practice for owners of dogs, cats and horses, just released for consultation, are part of the Animal Welfare Act 2006 to prevent cruelty. (and common sense too, apparently)

The guidance says that breaching the three codes will not in itself be a crime, but it could prove to be the deciding factor in whether an individual is found guilty in court of a pet welfare offence – which carries a maximum jail sentence of six months or a fine of up to £20,000. (Six months for pissing off a pooch trying to eat? I'm REALLY glad I don't live in England!)

Opposition policiticans criticised the "over the top" rules that "take people for fools". However, Hilary Benn, the Environment Secretary, said the new laws afford animals "greater protection than ever before". (Because animals are people too...)

Launching the eight-week consultation, Mr Benn said: "These three new codes of practice will outline the responsibilities of owners under the Act and give practical advice on how to fulfil them. This means no one will be able to claim ignorance as an excuse for mistreating any animal." The guidelines cover the environment for animals, diet, the company they enjoy, ensuring they exhibit normal behaviour patterns, as well as health and welfare issues. (The company they enjoy? Does this mean Fido & Fluffy need social secretaries?)

The code of practice for dogs advises against taking a dog for a walk during the hottest part of the day or feeding it less than an hour before vigorous exercise in order to avoid "bloating". (I'm running out of sarcastic comments, this shit is just too much.)

Owners should groom dogs with long hair at least once a day and all dogs should have teeth cleaned with dog chews or canine toothpaste (They really make this shit? Hey, I'd loved seeing someone trying to brush the teeth of my brother's German Shepherd. But after a few fingers were swallowed we'd be back to "food-related aggression". ) as part of routine care. Training dogs should be done through "positive reinforcement" rather than punishment that can lead to behavioural problems in the future. (Does "positively" laying a rolled up newspaper across their ass count?)

Owners can spot signs of stress such as barking excessively, urinating indoors or yawning when not tired. The advice stresses cats are not vegetarians and adults do not need bowls of milk. However they do need somewhere to hide and to scratch claws. (Let 'em hide under the bed, thats where our cats go whenever the kids are around.)

The guidelines for horses are based on the same principles. (Sorry, no horses allowed under the bed.) Bill Wiggin, the Tory spokesman on animal welfare, said the new codes are "absurd". (Ya think?)

"Defra has missed the opportunity to produce a set of sensible proposals that would protect animals from abuse and mistreatment. Here we have this ridiculous guide which tells people not to walk their dog in the heat of the day or feed it at the table. DEFRA are taking people for fools. " (Yep, can't sneak any baby elephants past this guy.)

However, the RSPCA said the majority of cases of animal cruelty are resolved through advice and welcomed moves to educate pet owners. (Pet Ownership 101, wonder if they'll stick the taxpayers with the bill for that one?)

A spokesman said:”A new washing machine or pot plant comes with instructions, currently most pets do not. (Newsflash genius, children don't either. Maybe I should STFU, someone might read this and suggest it to the Brits.) We think the new codes of practice will improve animal welfare and prevent animal suffering through education.” (You can't make this shit up, you just can't.)